Homophones, and similar grammar conundrums

I don't know if anyone else had this school experience, but in...oh, I dunno... fifth grade? The teachers in charge of our public school education decided that it would be a fun and enriching experience for us to create an infographic to help with our use of the English language. We were tasked with thinking of different homophones, giving the definition of each, and then drawing a picture of what the word represented.

For the sake of clarity, homophones are words that sound the same, but have completely different spellings and meanings. Simple concept, right?

Apparently not. I'm in a 300 level writing course this semester. Which means, one can assume, that the students therein have taken the prerequisites and passed, and should know the basic rules of spelling, grammar, and composition. Yeah... not so much. So, I've taken it upon myself to give a very direct lesson of some of the words I've seen misused this semester.

break= to break something. duh.
BRAKE= those handy dandy devices that stop your car/bicycle/unicycle/whatever from running into buildings/fences/people

which= compares, or... aw, crap. Okay, people, I don't know what this word actually is in terms of grammar (conjunction or whatnot) but it's not a noun, and that's the important thing here
WITCH= a noun. A person who performs witchcraft. See: Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, etc.

whether= pretty much the same deal as which, honestly
WEATHER= that thing that decides if  it's snowing or sunny or whatever. You usually have to go outside to witness/be a part of it

This is weather. Fear it.

vein= those lovely things that blood flows through.
VAIN= Narcissus is pretty much the definition. See also: The cast of the Jersey Shore
(triple threat!) VANE= something that has to do with weather. I think they're the chicken things at the tops of barns.

waist= your tummy area. Ideally, in girls, it's the tiny part of an hourglass figure. Or around your bellybutton. Mostly.
WASTE= reading this is probably a WASTE of your time. Trash. Get it?

wait= to hold off, hesitate
WEIGHT= the amount of mass (plus the acceleration due to gravity) something has.

sleigh= what Santa rides in, and those magical deer carry along behind them.
SLAY= what Buffy does. Also, serial killers

And here is a use of two homophones in one!

In related news, there are ass tons of words that sound one way when spoken, but appears totally different on the page. Most of these are variations on contractions. Not contractions that we're taught in school, like "can't, won't, don't" or what have you, but ones that have developed through the rampant bastardization of the spoken English language.

Contraction: Could've
Deconstructed: could HAVE. Not could 'of.' That's stupid. It very nearly makes 'of' a noun. Also, note the 'v-e' at the end of the contraction. Remember how the apostrophe is supposed to take the place of the letters? Yup. Not totally mutate them to do your bidding.




Contraction: Would've
Deconstructed: would HAVE. Same deal as above. Just because it sounds one way that doesn't mean that's how it is.

I'm sure you can guess what other words follow in this vein.

And HEY! Guess what? There's three more lessons for the ignorant users of our tongue.

their/there/they're

their= they own something. Like, "The preteens of America need to get THEIR heads out of THEIR asses, and send Bieber back to Canada."

there= a place. "Nickelback needs to go over THERE. Into the street. With the traffic."

they're= they are. Oh, look, a contraction!

your/you're


your= you own something. "YOUR momma's so fat, she's in all four Hogwarts Houses."
you're= you are. MORE FUCKING CONTRACTIONS

to/too/two

to= going from one place TO another. Oh, look, it's built into its own definition!
too= also. "Canada sucks, because not only did they give us Nickelback, but we got Justin Bieber, TOO."
two= the number. Derp.

BONUS ROUND
I just keep finding more of these as I write this stupid thing. Jeebus.

  its/it's
its= this one is a rule bender. It is a possessive, but it doesn't use an apostrophe like most others.
it's= ANOTHER GODDAMN CONTRACTION. HOLY SHIT



Class dismissed.

Net Speak

Once upon a time, we lived in a world where computers weren't multiplying like rabbits on Viagra. We were taught spelling, and grammar, and how to write in cursive. Teachers showed us how to format a letter, and how to write checks, and unless you were Prince (or the Artist Formerly Known As, or the symbol) you wouldn't dream of using a number to replace a word. The English language stretched far and wide, and we were at the threshold of unraveling its mysteries.

And then the internet happened. More specifically, idiots happen, but when the two things collide you might as well divide by zero. LOLcats are one thing, and let's face it, 4chan is the darkest corner of the internet, so I'm reticent to count it at all.

There are hundreds of these.

I spend a lot of time on the Cheezburger Network, and frankly I'm amazed that amidst all the blogs that encompass the word FAIL, there isn't a single one dedicated to the desecration of our language. Sure, Failbook tries, and sometimes succeeds. But for every indecipherable grammar fail, there are a dozen TMI fails.

Yet, when I log on to my facebook, I'm bombarded by status updates such as "I rlly wsh ppl'd b more understanding n I cld find a gf." Allie began to hint at this in her blog about the Alot, but quickly abandoned the more numerous language bastardizations in favor of the Alot. Which is fine, because let's face it, picturing that beast when reading poorly written words makes a much more enjoyable experience.

Unless someone is updating from a mobile phone WITHOUT (and I cannot stress that word enough) a fully-functional QWERTY keyboard, there is no excuse to castrate words to your liking. At all.

There's nothing wrong with vowels, people! And if your super-awesome spelling is going to be the same number of letters as the proper spelling, what the hell is the point? I'll tell you. It's you, flying your "I'm a lazy dumbass" banner for all the internet to see. And I'll let you in on a secret. It's like a goddamn bait pile for trolls. Not necessarily the most clever ones, mind you, but trolls nonetheless.

pictured: a troll. Don't feed him.

When I see posts written in this way, I feel obligated to read them out loud, as they're written. Which usually leads to me sounding like a toddler at best, but usually more like those "talking" cats and dogs that people upload videos on to youtube.


I'm still firmly entrenched into the camp of "For the love of God, you aren't Prince, shut the fuck up or type like a real person!" Sure, Prince has very little cultural relevance anymore, but that's hardly the point here. And Fall Out Boy? Until I can come up with a more satisfactory answer, I say your song "Thnks fr th Mmrs" is completely to blame. Thanks a lot, assholes.

Coming soon: I wax rage-tastic on basic grammar usage, outside of facebook and comment forums. Stay tuned!

Bienvenue

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This blog may contain materials not suited for immature audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.



From here on out, you will be learning what pisses me off. Be it day to day life, society, Justin Bieber, math, or whatever else incurs my wrath. It will be angry, but hey, it might even be funny, too.

Good luck, dear reader.