Net Speak

Once upon a time, we lived in a world where computers weren't multiplying like rabbits on Viagra. We were taught spelling, and grammar, and how to write in cursive. Teachers showed us how to format a letter, and how to write checks, and unless you were Prince (or the Artist Formerly Known As, or the symbol) you wouldn't dream of using a number to replace a word. The English language stretched far and wide, and we were at the threshold of unraveling its mysteries.

And then the internet happened. More specifically, idiots happen, but when the two things collide you might as well divide by zero. LOLcats are one thing, and let's face it, 4chan is the darkest corner of the internet, so I'm reticent to count it at all.

There are hundreds of these.

I spend a lot of time on the Cheezburger Network, and frankly I'm amazed that amidst all the blogs that encompass the word FAIL, there isn't a single one dedicated to the desecration of our language. Sure, Failbook tries, and sometimes succeeds. But for every indecipherable grammar fail, there are a dozen TMI fails.

Yet, when I log on to my facebook, I'm bombarded by status updates such as "I rlly wsh ppl'd b more understanding n I cld find a gf." Allie began to hint at this in her blog about the Alot, but quickly abandoned the more numerous language bastardizations in favor of the Alot. Which is fine, because let's face it, picturing that beast when reading poorly written words makes a much more enjoyable experience.

Unless someone is updating from a mobile phone WITHOUT (and I cannot stress that word enough) a fully-functional QWERTY keyboard, there is no excuse to castrate words to your liking. At all.

There's nothing wrong with vowels, people! And if your super-awesome spelling is going to be the same number of letters as the proper spelling, what the hell is the point? I'll tell you. It's you, flying your "I'm a lazy dumbass" banner for all the internet to see. And I'll let you in on a secret. It's like a goddamn bait pile for trolls. Not necessarily the most clever ones, mind you, but trolls nonetheless.

pictured: a troll. Don't feed him.

When I see posts written in this way, I feel obligated to read them out loud, as they're written. Which usually leads to me sounding like a toddler at best, but usually more like those "talking" cats and dogs that people upload videos on to youtube.


I'm still firmly entrenched into the camp of "For the love of God, you aren't Prince, shut the fuck up or type like a real person!" Sure, Prince has very little cultural relevance anymore, but that's hardly the point here. And Fall Out Boy? Until I can come up with a more satisfactory answer, I say your song "Thnks fr th Mmrs" is completely to blame. Thanks a lot, assholes.

Coming soon: I wax rage-tastic on basic grammar usage, outside of facebook and comment forums. Stay tuned!